Wedding Talk

'As it’s no longer the 1950s, you’re just a selfish friend' - Woman slammed for not wanting to be her bridesmaid's bridesmaid

Being part of of a friend's wedding is meant to be an honour - but for some it can be seen as opening the floodgates on an already busy day-to-day schedule.

But while some would have you think that saying 'no' to being a bridesmaid for a friend's big day is perfectly reasonable (and may even result in a better friendship after the wedding), one woman has learned that for many, ditching bridal party duties in favour of an easy life is an absolute no-no.

The woman - a bride to be herself - took to Mumsnet to crowdsource some opinions on her anti-wedding party stance, and explained that while she is happy for her pal to be her bridesmaid for her own wedding, she wasn't too fussed about returning the favour for her friends big day, explaining how the 'wedmin' would most likely encroach on her enjoyment of being a newlywed, right after her own wedding.

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"My friend just assumed that I would be one of her bridesmaids (I found out when I got informed what day we were going BM dress shopping!), and I have gently advised that it won’t be possible," the woman wrote, explaining how her 'normally well-intentioned' friend did have other bridesmaids, so she wouldn't be leaving her in the lurch.

"I’d happily never be a bridesmaid again to be honest, but also I’m only a few months out of my own wedding and just want to enjoy being a newlywed with no damn ‘wedmin’ to deal with."

"I didn’t think my opinion on this particular topic was so unusual?! Men and women alike have GASPED in horror when I said I didn’t want to be my bridesmaid’s bridesmaid."

Related: What really happens when you say 'no' to being a bridesmaid

'MrsEfff' - as she goes by on the parenting forum - said that while her friend was already all signed up to be a bridesmaid for her wedding, she had given her a choice in everything, as she felt that being a bridesmaid was doing a friend a huge favour.

"Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women, acknowledging that married women were now onto the next chapter of their lives! I’m not saying it should have to be that way, but when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong?"

Mrs Eff's anecdote was met with negativity from fellow forum users, who said that by not being her friend's bridesmaid she was being selfish, offensive and a bad friend. And urged her to reconsider her stance for the sake of her friendship.

"I understand you can't really be arsed, but I guess there will be a lot of fall out and offense taken if you don't do it. So, if it were me, I'd just suck it up and do it, so we can all remain friends, rather than dealing with the drama of a big upset," said one poster, while another added "You don’t sound like a great friend to be honest."

Another wrote: "Although I understand your reasons (ish) it does have a bit of a selfish feel to it. You wanted her involved in your big day, and she wants you involved in hers. I wouldn't expect a friendship to survive you basically saying ' I know you did it for me , but I want to enjoy being a newly wed, so I'm not doing it for you'."

"It's fine to turn down being a bridesmaid if you have a good reason for not wanting to do it, but your main reason just seems to be that you can't be arsed," came one suggestion, while one woman respoded: "I could understand this if you were a virgin and you were setting up a new home with your new husband and had just moved out of your parents’ house for the very first time as an adult. In the same olden days when only single females were bridesmaids. As it’s no longer the 1950s, you’re just a selfish friend."

One poster had a more hopeful take on things when she revealed that she had turned down being a bridesmaid twice, and her friendship with both brides survived.